Eight and a Half Stone

 Coming soon! My comic debut Novel available for purchase 14th May! 


Pam has so many problems, she’s thinking of ending her own life.

And it’s Christmas!

Baby got back… and front


A better writer than Helen Fielding: The Evening Standard

The best comic creation since Alan Partridge: Lynn Barber, The Sunday Times


When I reach eight and a half stone

* I will be able to shop in Topshop. If only I could fit in a size 10 or an 8, just walk in a shop and not even have to try it on because let’s face it I will be straight up and down, then everything would slot neatly into place, completing the easiest jigsaw puzzle in the world: all straight edges

* I will be able to go swimming and not displace all the water 

and create a tsunami


* I will fit in changing rooms, without banging my elbows or exposing the moon of my arse through the curtain when I bend over 


* I will be able to fit behind the narrow benches at Ronnie Scott’s to listen to jazz instead of being offered a chair, at the end, 

a disabled person at a football match

* I won’t go blind from Type 2 Diabetes, or lose my toes, which I haven’t seen since 1996 without the aid of a selfie stick

* I will be promoted and not have my desk moved 

to inside the stationery cupboard


*Being morbidly obese is not the same as being disabled, because I can change. I can lose the weight. It’s mathematics, surely. Chemistry. Physics. All the hard lessons I never enjoyed. I will be beach body ready at all times, even in snow. My children will no longer be ashamed of me. I will triumph at the egg and spoon race rather than stopping to nibble on it. My husband will love me. My life will start. 

I will be happy. I will be able to cross my legs without putting someone’s teeth out. 


I will win. 

I will be thin.